Gavin’s Conundrum: A Hypothetical Conversation Between the Governor and His Socks

It’s been a long day, Gavin Newsom says to himself as he sits on the edge of the bed to take off his shoes.

Shoes off and then the socks, but he takes a moment to look at his socks and then, as is his wont, he asks them a question:

Do I really want to be president?

“Well, of course you do,” they say in unison.

“But how do I center my message to move the puck forward, create a thru-line, and achieve it holistically to ensure we have success in that contextualized space but still meet the moment while de-risking the playing field?”

“Gavin,” the socks say, “we’ve been listening to that jargobabble all day and its late so if we’re going to have this chat can you just talk like a human?”

“Okay, fine.  I forget sometimes,” Gavin says. “But seriously, I know I want to be president but I’m just not sure how to get there now.”

Right sock sighs and says “well, you really can’t Kool-Aid man party crash and push everyone aside, so the direct approach is out unless you want to spend the rest of your life as a pariah in the party.”

“That’s true” says left sock. “And it would look really really bad if Kamala got taken out in the campaign crossfire. She CANNOT be collateral damage.  Now if she were an old white, no problem, but…”

“Agreed,” says right sock. “Hate to say it but, Gavin, you helped build this playing field where no rich white guy has home field advantage.  Kind of an own goal, in fact.”

“But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, Gavin,” says left sock.  “What about Joe?”

“I’ve been trying to be the good soldier but…”

“No you haven’t, Gavin,” says right sock.  “Like the First Partner says ‘you have to get behind someone before you stab them in the back’ so spare us the false altruism.”

“No, really, I think he’s been a good president but everyone knows he can’t make it another four months, let alone four years,” says Gavin.  “Maybe I should have Jennifer talk to Jill about…”

“NO!” shout the socks. “Very very bad idea.”

“Fine,” says Gavin. “Then who?”

“Actually, no one specifically, not yet,” says left sock.  ‘Everyone knows what you’re up to but if you say it out loud to anyone it will be all over cable in a nanosecond and you, too, will be all over.”

“For the next few weeks, keep playing this game,” adds right sock.

“Fine – but how can I make sure I’m the go-to guy when push comes to shove?” asks Gavin.

“First,” says right sock, “you have to clean up your backyard because if and when the time comes you’re getting to get demolished with ads showing smash and grabs and homeless zombies lighting dogs on fire or some such nonsense.”

“But we’re spending as fast we we can…”

“And that’s great,” chimes in left sock. “Keep doing that – it looks good and free non-profit money makes the progressive base very happy and keeps them employed. But you have to have something to show for it and I mean now.”

“Hey,” says right sock, “what about the Prop 47 reform thing?  Why not just cut and paste the petition into a bill and present it?  That would look super, not irritate the base too much and definitely shut down the crime line of attack.”

“Aw, c’mon, you know that wouldn’t fly in the Legislature,” Gavin responds.” They did everything they could to not pass the ‘give harsher sentences to child sex traffickers’ bill.  How do you think sending more people to jail will go?”

“That doesn’t matter,” says right sock.  “You don’t have to care if it passes – hopefully you’ll be in DC so no fallout worries for you, you just have to present it and, when you do, it will cut off that pesky petition at the knees.  So win-win.”

“Now who’s using jargon?” Gavin chuckles.

“It makes me uncomfortable, but I guess it makes sense since it will never pass,” says left sock.  

“If I just keep saying and spending, I won’t have to worry about the doing,” Gavin answers.  “That I can do.”

“We know,” the socks say in unison.

“So how do we shuffle Kamala aside,” Gavin asks.

“Have Willie Brown give her a call,” jokes right sock. “No, seriously, just let Kamala keep being Kamala and she will convince more and more people on her own she’s not up for it.”

“And make sure she knows that you’ll make her Attorney General,” says left sock. “Keeping personal control of the Justice Department is really important right about now and that would give her another first ever girl-powrrr thing.”

“How about I make her my veep?” asks Gavin.

“Insult to injury,” both socks say.

“Okay, assuming we can minimize the Harris issue, how do we get around Jill to get Joe to step aside?” Gavin asks.

“Jill does seem to be the key and you know the rest of the staff loves not really having a president,” says left sock. “It’s like they’ve had a substitute teacher for the past four years.  They can do anything they want and never have to take a test.”

Right sock laughs. “Yup, the staff love not having a boss and Jill, sorry Doctor Biden, – can you believe that garbage? – loves being in charge.  How about making sure she gets to be ambassador to somewhere nice after you’re sworn in? Pomp and circumstance and it’s a cool title and Joe can just stay home, medical or security reasons or something.”

“That may just work,” Gavin answers.

“So that’s crime, homelessness, Jill, and Kamala out of the way.  What’s next?” asks right sock.

“Money,” says Gavin.  “It’s got to be money.”

“What, did the Gettys cut you off?” wonders left sock.

“Oh, God no, You that will never happen,” Gavin says. “That family tree could not stand a bit of my shaking it and they know it.  No, I mean state money.  This deficit does not look good.”

“So who can you blame?” asks left sock.

“How about looking in the mirror?” says right sock.

“Hey, that’s uncalled for,” says Gavin.  “But this is putting a crimp in everything.”

“Hey – I got it!” exclaims left sock.  “A commission, a blue-ribbon panel, a task force that will leave no stone unturned in its hunt for savings, new funds, and for ‘permanent’ fixes.”

“Actually, that might work,” says right sock.  “Give it broad frames of reference, have it report next year, maybe even 2026, pack it with pliable ‘stakeholders’ and walk away.”

“You have something there,” agrees Gavin. “But what about this year?”

“That’s the beauty of the commission – they’re going to fix everything,” says left sock. “Call it ‘CaliForward’ or something and then in public say something like ‘yes, we have a challenge this year but were battening down the hatches and we will make and this new commission will make sure this will never happen again.’”

“I like it,” says Gavin. “Very legacy, too.”

“And that’s the great thing about having a puppy dog press,” observes right sock.  “You never have to answer for anything.”

“And now the polls,” says Gavin. “Always thought they were going my way, but a bit slippery lately.”

The socks stay mum for moment, but eventually left sock piped up:

“They’re really not that bad,” says lefty.  “You will need to replace California Gloom with California Glow and you’re just the guy to do it. Run from a place of the dream and do everything to tamp things down here until November at least and it can be done.”

“And remember,” added right sock, “you won the recall by running against Trump, calling everything Trump, and he wasn’t even on the ballot.  Now you can do it to his face.”

“What if it isn’t Trump I run against” asks Gavin.

“Don’t worry – it will be,” replies right sock just as lefty sighs in despair. “If not, well, umm…I’m not sure.”

“And never forget, Gavin, the press loves you anyway,” adds left sock.

“True, but that’s been here in California and we own them so of course they’re nice,” says Gavin. “But will the nationals be as nice?”

“So far, so good,” says righty. “I mean, that’s why you’re where you are.  They love coming here and just looking around and saying ‘wow.’”

“If we keep them looking around and not too closely, it should be okay,” lefty adds.  “And they hate Trump, too.”

“Uh, should we talk about the hair?” asks righty.

“No we shall not,” says Gavin with irritation.  “It’s part of my image and people seem to expect it now.”

“And it looks great!” gushes left sock.

“All you lefties have a crush on him,” laughs right sock.

“It’s what keeps him elected,” answers lefty.

“Well, I think it’s about more than my looks,” says Gavin. “I mean, I’ve accomplished so much and pushed so many good, progressive ideas.”

“Umm, moving on,” says right sock, “we have to discuss your speaking style.  If the national press is going to turn on you at all, that’ll be where it starts.”

“Just do what you did against DeSantis in that debate,” says left sock.  “Just keep talking and talking and people will think you know what you’re talking about.”

“Hey – what?” asks a mildly irked Gavin. “I do know what I’m talking about.”

“Honestly, you had to steal a line from Trump to land that ‘lockdown governor’ punch, remember?” replies right sock.

“Maybe tone down the jargon and if you get lost use more numbers,” says left sock.  “That looks like you have the fact at your fingertips.”

‘I’ll think about it,” says Gavin. 

“Well, it seems we think you can do it,” says right sock. “Right, lefty?”

“Absolutely,” agrees left sock. “You just have to put your best foot forward.”

Right sock and Gavin groan at the pun.

“You’re right,” says Gavin, already thinking of tactics and consultants to hire and skeletons of his to hide and skeletons of others to find.

“I’m running. It’s a go. Period. Full stop.”

“Just don’t tell anyone…yet.  And get in the hamper.”