Tomorrow’s Headlines Today!

So, here we go – election day.

And we are all wondering what will happen.

Should we be stocked up with cases of champagne or bottles of black market valium?

How many “just in case” packs of cigarettes should ex-smokers buy today?

Will this much anticipated date lead to a joyous marriage or throwing up next to the dumpster in the alley behind the bar?

Today – at least for a few hours – is not the calm before the storm but the eye of the storm between what has happened before and what – either way – will happen after.

Well, the Globe can’t tell you who or what is winning right now or who or what will win later today, but we think we can at least tell you what the headlines will be no matter who or what wins.  And do please add your own in the comments section!!

First, and most terrifying, is this possible headline:

CIA Chief Explains Why Vote Was Cancelled

If Harris wins:

Freedom Through Joy!

Stupid People Somehow Make Right Decision

US Elects First Woman, First Part-Indian, Second Part-Black. Third Smartest Person in History of Civilization President

Nation Chooses Normal

In the days that follow a Harris win, we could see:

Turning In Your Neighbors – Why That’s a Good Thing

All Red Hats in Nation Banned

Trump Indicted on Eleventy Thousand More Charges

The New Eden – What the Next Four Years Hold

Of course, if the election goes the other way and Trump wins:

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Trump Opponent Camps Coming, Intelligence Community Sources Say (and this time they’re not lying)

Stupid People Make Wrong Decision

Trump Triumphs, America Dies

The Fourth Reich is Here

Racist Men Pick Trump – Increase in Domestic Violence Predicted

Pile of Melted, Congealed Harris Supporters Won’t Stop Sobbing for Three Weeks, Scientists Say It’s “Like a Tire Fire, You Know?”

Oh, and by the way, at least one paper will put a black “mourning” border around its entire front page. Seriously.

As to the US Senate, we could see:

Republicans Take Stranglehold of Government – Why That Will Kill Your Grandma

Senate Democrats Hold, To Be Bulwark of Democracy

The same will be seen on the House side:

Even More Inmates to Run the Asylum as GOP Holds

A Gift from Gaia – Dems Take House, Will Preserve Nation

Here in California, one can expect a similar trend:

Vote Not Counted Yet (that’s a probably pretty real one and will run almost every day until, like, next April, by the way.) Editor: California county elections officials have 30-days to certify voting results – Dec. 3, 2024 this election. The California secretary of state will certify the results 10 days later on Dec. 13, 2024.

Times Reporters Say it Was Publisher’s Fault Trump Won

California Culture Comes Crashing Down

Gov’t Workers Worry They May Have to Work Now

Or

California’s Best and Brightest – Kamala Proves State’s Diversity Works

Safe from Trump’s Ravages – How Kamala Will Preserve California Dream

From DA to DC – The Rise of Harris

As to the state and local races, here are a few possibilities:

Gascon Wins – LA Elections Official Seen Pushing Wheelbarrow Full of Cash to Private Jet at Burbank Airport

Hochman New LA DA – Yeah, Whatever, Who Cares, Big Whoop; Social Justice Activists Still Right and Crime is Expected to Rise Anyway

There are a couple state legislature results possible headlines as well:

Republicans Outperform Expectations, Lose Only Three More Seats

Last Minute Endorsement by Jesus Christ, Moses, Shiva, and Muhammed Lead to Republicans Picking Up Three Assembly Seats

Prop 36 Passes, Lawsuit Filed

Anyway, do think about exactly what you will be doing this evening.  And whatever happens, call in sick tomorrow.

The entire nation needs a day off.