What the Media Will Be Saying Wednesday, Whichever Way the Recall Vote Goes

Breath is baited, hooks are tentered, the ketchup bottle has just been turned upside down, ex-smokers are looking longingly at the emergency cigarette they have, Carly Simon can be heard singing in the background, frissons are, one assumes, frissoning, and the calm is before the storm.

It’s election day and after the long petition gathering effort, the not-so-long campaign, and the seemingly never-ending pandemic nerves may be just a little on edge and everyone wants to know what will happen, to what headlines they will wake up to tomorrow.

Well, we can’t tell you who or what is winning right now or who or what will win later today, but we think we can at least tell you what the headlines will be no matter who or what wins.  Thinking we all may need a little decompressive humor right about now, some of the headlines/story arcs/social media posts posited below may not be entirely serious, though with the current media landscape they could, God help us, actually appear.  The reader may judge for themselves – as well as play along in the comments section!

If the recall is defeated, expect to see coverage along the following lines:

“California Can Now Get Back to Normal”

“California Voters Reject Trump – Again”

“Now That’s It’s Over, It’s Time to Overhaul the Recall System”

“Newsom’s ‘National’ Strategy Prevails”

“Biden, Harris Flexed Political Muscle for Newsom”

“The California Progressive Dream is Alive and Well and Thriving”

“Elder’s Extremism Ended Effort”

“Climate Deniers, Anti-Vaxxers, Anti-Maskers Humiliated by Recall Drubbing”

“Sanity Prevails as Voters Reject Extremist Recall”

“Steady On: Voters Back Newsom Policies, Reject Recall”

“Progressive Policies Pummel Populist Pleas”

“What Will be the Next Republican Scheme?”

“Now Battle-Tested, Newsom’s White House Ambitions Get Big Boost”

“The Recall Circus Folds Up its Tent”

“Race Card Comes Up Trumps for Newsom”

There will be at least one story that will read as follows:  “With the recall in his rearview mirror, the governor can now pivot to address the state’s significant crime, homelessness, housing, infrastructure, and educational problems.”  The most galling part of that story is that it will delve into issues purposefully and studiously ignored by the media during the campaign – neat trick!

The social media universe will be populated by tweets and posts and comments and shares along the same lines, but, it being the social media universe, there will be some rather outrageous “takes” on the vote, including:

“You could have fed a million hungry people with the money wasted on the recall – hope you feel good about that you Repugnicans!”

“If all of the anti-vaxxers/maskers would now just go ahead and die already we will never have to worry about a stupid recall ever again!

“Neener, neener, neener – if you voted for the recall you should get out of California or just COVID up and die!”

There also may be a few stories that may not break Wednesday, but could be just around the corner:

“Newsom Announces State Vaccine Mandate”

“Newsom Announces Water Rationing”

“Sirhan Sirhan Goes Free”

“Newsom Says Follow the Science, Bans Interstate Travel”

“Newsom Signs (insert terrible bill here)”

Probably less likely, but even the First Partner could get into the act:

“First Partner Announces New Film Project:  #YouToo?  A Feminist’s Guide to Profitable Hypocrisy”

Also along the less likely lines, but maybe just maybe, headlines like these will appear:

“We Did It!  How We ‘Uncle Tom-ed’ Elder Out of Contention”

“Racism Works:  An Oral History Behind the Creation of ‘The Black Face of White Supremacy’”

“Why No Coverage of the Issues that Mattered to Californians?  Let’s Just Check our Crypto Accounts…”

“Most EGGscellent: We Sit Down with Hero of the Recall, the Election Guerilla Gorilla”

But what will appear of the recall prevails?  Readers should be looking for stories like these:

“There Goes the Neighborhood: Sacramento Braces for Governor Big Scary Black Guy”

“Recall Process Questioned”

“Recall Process Must Change”

“Recall Process Undemocratic”

“Recall Process Unconstitutional”

“Recall Process Racist”

“Trump Clone Governor of Bluest State?  How Did It Happen?”

“Angry Electorate Manipulated into Yes Vote”

“Recall Will Be Meaningless; New Governor Will Not be Able to Implement Extremist Agenda”

“How Could a Dinner Party Devastate the World’s Fifth-Largest Economy”

“Ballot Confusion at Heart of Recall Debacle”

“Progressive Agenda Not Damaged by Recall Vote”

“It Wasn’t the Policies, it was the Personality:  Why Newsom Lost”

“California Shows Nation’s Progressives that Time is of the Essence, Speed Up Agenda Plans”

And, in a few months’ time, “Newsom Appointed Ambassador to Belgium”

Stories that probably should, but almost certainly won’t, appear could include the following:

“Fed-Up Californians Say Yes to Recall, No to the Status Quo”

“You Can’t Run on Nothing:  Why Newsom’s Abysmal Track Record, Grating Personality Doomed Him”

“Sorry We Called You an Uncle Tom, Governor: Will You Please Talk to Our Reporters”

“Bigger Than ‘The Big One’ – How the Seismic Shift of the Recall Will Change California”

“The Failure of California’s Elite Finally Caught up to It”

“EDD Now Expects to be Completely Fixed by Year’s End”

“Voters Saw Through Newsom’s Trump-baiting Lies”

“California Did the Right Thing”

As to social media, that is best left to one’s imagination as this is a pretty PG website.

And if it’s real real close and the count will go on for days, expect items like:

“Newsom Expected To Prevail”

“The Republican Myth of Vote Fraud: How it is Destroying Civil Society”

You could be seeing this – “Newsom’s Vote Increases in LA,” but you probably cannot expect to see, for the same story, this headline “Just Like What Happened When He was in Seattle, LA Vote Registrar Dean Logan Keeps Finding Democrat Ballots.”

Again, feel free to play along in the comments and have a great Election Day!